[3 of 4] How do I know if I am healthy enough for a relationship?
Today, I would like to address a common question posed during this past month’s live Q&A session, in our private Facebook community:
“I am wondering what someone with avoidant-transitioned-to-secure attachment style would look like. I find it difficult to know whether I've gotten healthy enough to enter a relationship.”
Foundational to this question, there is a false premise that there is some standard of what one must become, before you are good enough, worthy enough, or “healthy enough” to have the kind of love you want.
And it's a perpetuation of the very disease that keeps insecure individuals reaching for approval or validation outside of themselves, in order to feel “right” about themselves, and as if they have “earned” well enough, that which they desire.
There is no holy grail or standard for security, in my assessment of it. There is only the individual experience of being more or less in alignment with the inner essence of “self.”The more aligned with yourself you are, the more pleasant your experience of relationships (of “the other”) will be.
But even the “less aligned” experiences only illuminate in greater contrast and detail those delightful boundaries where you begin and end, and what you really do and do not want for yourself.
Plus, secure couples who might describe their longterm relationships or marriages as overall satisfying, will tell you coupledom is not some static experience of happily ever after. It's an ongoing process of expansion, as you continually butt up against your partner, and wade through the ever-present contrast in relationship.
Secure people can feel anxious and avoidant sometimes, too.
It’s a natural thing for all humans to experience.
When we talk about insecure attachment styles as being a particularly difficult hurdle to tackle, on the path to relationship bliss...it's because there is demonstrated a frequency of thought and behavior (whether it is avoidant or anxious, or both) that is so repetitive, it has become unconscious and compulsory.
But once you become aware of your thoughts and behaviors, you are officially “in process” with them. And you are also that much closer to the idea that self-acceptance is more of a relaxing into your circumference, than it is a poking and prodding and pushing yourself to become “better” or “healthier” or “improved,” before you can deserve love.
I hope you notice, the later is a perpetuation of the anxious and avoidant inner monologue of not being good enough...which will always push you off your center.
Here’s a reframe for you:
I am aware that in the past I have had a tendency to avoid circumstances that stimulated uncomfortable feelings for me, and that I may have responded in an unconscious or compulsory fashion. However, I am grateful for the contrast those experiences afforded me, because now I have been able to step into a process by which my thoughts and behaviors are more like a stream that I can sit next to and observe, or wade in waste, knee, or ankle deep, as I explore the responsiveness of my own inner being to those experiences, and allow for that unfoldment with love and compassion towards myself. The more I can allow for my own process, the more open I will be to others being in their own process. And regardless of what the rest of the world might think, or how it might be measured to the standards of society, together, we will find our own path to vibrational harmony.
A few subtopics you will find in this video:
0:23: The perception that you’re not good enough based on where you are now
1:02: Using the self as a way of controlling the outcome
3:02: Looking for permission to live your life
4:05: The process of going from ambivalence to secure
9:10: Taking the right steps and not getting the results you want
15:20: Finding what lights you on fire
Want to learn more about attachment?
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Gain insight into your relationship problems in 4 questions, when you take this attachment styles quiz!
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Briana MacWilliam ATR-BC, LCAT
Licensed and Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist
Author, Educator and Reiki Practitioner