Does Wanting to Be Alone Make You Avoidant
Updated: Mar 6
You’ve probably heard that as a species, we are hardwired to want to connect with others.
So, you might be wondering: “wouldn’t not wanting a close, bonded relationship automatically make you avoidant?”
There are two misconceptions we carry around what it means to have a bonded relationship:
Secure connection is only desired and accomplished through ROMANTIC relationship.
Thus, a romantic relationship is the only context in which we find evidence of felt security.
Both of these are inaccurate.
Secure attachments are desired and evidenced in multiple dimensions of human connection. Also, you can be in a long-term relationship, that is very insecure.
Romantic relationships are one context in which we might see one’s insecurities arise, but it could also be the ONLY context in which a person feels insecure.
It’s important to realize, being securely attached doesn’t mean you have eliminated your insecurity. It just means you have changed your RELATIONSHIP to your insecurity, and are no longer identified with it, in whatever context you experience it.
You are also not beating yourself up over it-- “it” being whatever the core conflicts are of your attachment tendencies: for not being perfect...for being too needy...for not feeling good enough...for fear of disappointing a partner...for not being able to handle relationships...for struggling to access your feelings...for being too sensitive to emotional bids for contact...etc. etc.
Sometimes abstaining from romantic relationships to focus on yourself is actually the most secure choice you could make, because it is going to allow you to explore and practice generating spaciousness around the parts of you that have been in operation for a long time, and are now calling for your more focused and compassionate attention.
Remember, all relationships with others stem from your relationship with yourself. If you are kind, allowing, accepting, and appreciative of your own insecurities, then you will be better able to extend the same courtesy to others, WITHOUT settling or abandoning yourself.
You also become less reliant on your partners and your conditions to dictate your quality of life and emotional happiness; which makes it easier for partners to be around you!
And so they start showing up more authentically and in an unguarded fashion, which actually brings you closer than ever before. This is how true intimacy is accomplished.
You realize you can love people--even passionately--without giving them ALL of you. And in fact, it may be the best thing you ever do for them, not to mention yourself.
To learn more, check out this 3-minute video.
And let me know your thoughts in the comments.
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In love and abundance,
Briana MacWilliam ATR-BC, LCAT
Licensed and Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist
Author, Educator and Reiki Practitioner