If I Can Meet My Own Needs, Why Be in Relationship? + 3 Steps to Release Suffering in Love
Are you a giver in relationships, with a tendency to walk on eggshells around your partner, anticipating their every need? Yet, no matter what you do, they only give you a scrap of attention, or inexplicably feel displeased you? And then you beat yourself up for failing the relationship somehow. And you need a partner to feel safe, secure and purposeful. Being in a relationship makes you feel alive, where as being alone is just intolerable.
On the other hand, maybe you attract super sweet partners that make themselves too available, and leave you feeling starved for some kind of challenge in the relationship. You like the attention, but you’d appreciate having to work for it a bit more. You hate to admit it, but as much as you claim to want a stable relationship, there is something you crave and miss about the drama cycle. You need a partner to make you feel stimulated, attractive, and worthy. And if they make you work for it, that makes you feel alive.
In either case, in those dark moments of quiet reflection, when you are being brutally honest with yourself, none of this has really been working for you, overall . At least, not very well. And there are things you want in partnership that simply aren’t possible, if things keep going the way they are going.
Maybe you have even read a bunch of self help books about love, which basically say you have to be better at meeting your own needs, in order to be better a meeting a partner’s needs. If all the knowledge in the bookstore’s personal-development aisle could be boiled down into 3 words, it would go something like this: “Love yourself first.”
But something about that rubs you the wrong way.
It kind of goes against everything you’ve been taught about selfishness, and what it really means to be a good person. If you’re not suffering at least a little bit for your love, then it must not be true love. You haven’t earned it well enough. And likewise, if a partner isn’t suffering for you the way you are suffering for them, they don’t truly love you either. They are being selfish and withholding. Or they just simply don’t care.
You find yourself thinking: “If I could fulfill my own needs, what would be the point of relationships? Why would I want anybody else? Why would anybody else want me?”
From this perspective, achieving a sense of self sovereignty seems like a lonely kind of existence. Thus, a life without suffering sounds like a lonely existence . And so, we cling to our suffering, because that’s what people understand. And we want to be understood.
But what if it doesn’t have to be that way?
In this 10-minute video segment, we are going to talk about how meeting your own needs first, actually makes you better equipped to give and receive from a partner, in a healthy way, and is the only way to avoid selfishness in relationships. It's also the only way to inhabit conscious relationships, and recognize where you are loving your partners conditionally.
We are going to tackle this question in three important steps :
We are going to restate this question, using words that express the fear it reflects.
Once we identify the fear, we are going to break down the myths and falls premises this fear has lead you to believe.
Once you recognize the false premises, you can start to move away from fear and towards your desire, by creating new statements of intention that provide a more empowering and self-sovereign perspective.
Remember to watch the video! And leave your comments below in the thread.
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In love and abundance,
Briana MacWilliam ATR-BC, LCAT
Licensed and Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist
Author, Educator and Reiki Practitioner