The #1 Quality That Will Make You Irresistible to a Lover
If you've been trying hard to impress a partner because you're very attracted to them, but no matter what you do it seems to only push them away...you’re gonna wanna read this blog post.
Because I'm going to explain how being in touch with your own feelings (as opposed to your own avoidance or anxiety) is the #1 quality that will makes it safe for a potential partner to love you, and thus, you will be irresistible to them.
Many of us believe that in order to attract a lover, we have to pretend to be a perfect partner, through things like:
Making them feel wanted and desired
Looking beautiful, dressing sexy, and being physically alluring
Impressing them with extravagant dates or gifts
Being "there" for them, like a free therapist
Being funny, witty, smart and interesting all the time
Acting like you have things "in common"--even if you don’t enjoy their hobbies
All of these tactics might very well appeal to a potential partner. Certainly, it might make them interested enough to get to know you better, and maybe even want to sleep with you.
But none of that means it will soften their heart and make them fall into a soul-shaking relationship with you.
Because while the glitz and glamour is appealing, it also, on a deeper level, leaves you completely unavailable.
And you can’t fake authenticity.
A partner who is sincerely looking for a connection, doesn't care if you're dressed to the hilt every time they see you. Sometimes, they might like seeing you in your natural, relaxed state, because that means they get to relax too!
When you are performing all the time, your partner is going to feel as if they have to perform just as well, and while that may be exciting in the beginning, unless the mask comes off, it also gets exhausting--very quickly.
And lust is not love.
A loving partner will be less concerned about how many degrees you hold or how much you make at your job--and more concerned that you're passionate about what you’re doing.
A loving partner doesn't care how many facts you can recite. They may enjoy your company if you're a great conversationalist, but that won’t necessarily make them FEEL something for you.
The way to a partner's heart is to make them feel safe enough to explore and experience their own inner feelings and emotions.
And the way you do that, is by feeling safe enough to experience your own--without someone else’s permission.
But if you don't communicate what you’re feeling, or that you're comfortable in your own skin, this partner won't feel comfortable or safe opening up to you, either.
And if a person can’t open up to you, warts and all, they can't fall in love with you. It's as simple as that.
When you put on a performance, you unconsciously communicate a fantasy of reality, because that feels safer than vulnerability. And then you energetically and non-verbally, tell your partner that you can’t handle their vulnerability, either.
We don’t provide a program for this elaborate performance, or any stage directions; we just expect a partner to figure it out...to pass the tests we put them through...because we’re afraid if we express what we really need and want, that would be perceived as “too needy,” and thus subject to rejection and abandonment.
And so, to avoid revealing our soft underbellies, we make ourselves depressed and anxious trying to keep up the performance, with things like...pretending, chasing, manipulating, convincing, persuading and drama.
A note about “drama”: it's not the same as allowing yourself to have intense feelings.
A loving partner wants to know you're angry when you're angry and why you're angry. Those are intense feelings.
The drama comes in when they think you're angry, but they are not sure, because you're trying hard to plaster a smile on your face, say, “I’m fine,” and stuff it down.
Thing is, you’re not really fooling anyone, just confusing them.
Your energy and your verbal expressions are going to contradict one another, and that is the seed of ‘dramatic’ conflict.
And this type of drama is so annoying because you are effectively keeping a partner at bay, and refusing to connect with them, for fear that they wouldn’t like the “real” you.
But because they can’t access “the real” you, there’s no real glue holding them there, and they wind up leaving you anyway.
Unfortunately, here’s the rub: when we have been performing for so long...sometimes for our entire lives...we don’t know who we really are!
We are over-identified with the masks we put on...with the performance and the fantasy of reality (his is what I define as an “ego-attachment.”)
Therefore, showing up authentically in a relationship seems like an impossible task.
To learn more, watch my video here: https://youtu.be/2qyzqcdyK_E
Want to learn more about attachment?
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Briana MacWilliam ATR-BC, LCAT
Licensed and Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist
Author, Educator and Reiki Practitioner