What is Secure Attachment in Relationships?
Updated: Mar 6
People don’t always care for the way that I express myself. Or for my definition of felt security, when it comes to attachment styles, and romantic relationships.
There are those that believe you have to have reached the “promised land” of perfection, before you can start telling people it’s okay to be in process. Before you can advise people to relax into struggling with where you are, right here, right now...because that’s all part of the journey.
This illusion of “perfection” is typically defined by being in a long-term committed relationship.
But as any long-term couple will tell you, the growth doesn’t stop the minute you make a decision to commit.
And just because you’ve been together forever, doesn’t mean it's been a secure relationship, or an easy road.
And that’s okay.
For example, someone recently commented on a video of mine, to paraphrase, “If you know so much, why are you divorced?”
I am very open about the fact that I am divorced, but that I still consider my ex husband a life partner, just not my intimate (or legal) life partner.
My divorce was also a catalyst on my journey to learning more about attachment styles and grief, but most importantly, to learning more about myself, who I really am.
And what if your true self, your secure self, makes a sovereign decision to enjoy being single for a while? To explore that experience, free of an anxious fear that it means you are somehow less than? That doesn't make you a failure. And it doesn't make you insecure, or avoidant.
Often, when we struggle with insecure attachment, we haven't had healthy models for what secure attachment looks like. We probably "get it" theoretically speaking, and have a powerful fantasy of what that might look like, but few of us have actually ever seen it in action.
Which means it may be up to you to create and hold a healthy image of what you truly want in your mind and in your experience, so that you can call in a soul-shaking partnership that would light your heart on fiyah!
But this is NOT ONLY evident in relationship to another person.
If you’ve been watching my channel for a while then you know I define felt security as being OK with being in process and being able to move with the ebbs and flows of life and relationships which is the same as being in AND out of relationship. And being able to move through both of those states of being with a sense of SELF-sovereignty.
There is no A to B equation. Rather, attachment security the quality of the relationship you have to your own imperfections and insecurities.
Is it OKAY for you NOT to always and/or already have your shit together?
Regardless of relationship status, I encourage individuals to sink into themselves, not to “heal” or to “better” themselves. And the processes that I am describing here are processes they can allow us to release our ego attachment and fear-based beliefs (like “if I am not married I have failed”) which drive most of our behaviors.
I believe if we can reframe those beliefs and behaviors then we can actually be MORE fully ourselves. It’s not changing who you are, it is unfolding into who you have always been on a soul level.
If this sounds like you, you are going to want to watch this video, because we are going to talk more specifically about what secure attachment means in a relationship, to help you recognize it, when it finally manifests for you!
If you like this video you might also like this one, "6 Signs of a Secure Relationship" https://youtu.be/6gFeZyXaPeg
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In love and abundance,
Briana MacWilliam ATR-BC, LCAT
Licensed and Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist
Author, Educator and Reiki Practitioner