Why People-Pleasing is a Passion-Killer
Do you sometimes feel drained by your relationships?
What about first dates? Even the first e-mails, texts, and/or phone calls?
Do you, like so many of us, feel you always have to be nice, courteous, and kind, setting aside your needs for a partner’s?
Now consider this.
What if a lover, instead of exhausting you, could add to your energy?
What if a partner can't actually fall in love with you at all, when you're exhausting yourself by over-giving and “people-pleasing” them?
What if, instead, a partner falls madly in love with you, when you learn how to surrender control, and open up to receive, first?
Sounds easy, wonderful, delightful...and really frickin’ scary, doesn’t it?
Relationships don't need to be exhausting.
The truth is, if you feel that relationships are draining and exhausting, it's because you're working at them too hard…
And that’s because people-pleasing is love’s death nail.
My online community members have often said, “I don’t want to ask my partner to do something they don’t want to do, because I know then if they do it, it's only because I asked, and not because they want to.”
Is that what you do?
Do you do things to please your partner purely because they asked, and not because you want to?
Do you take no pleasure in your people pleasing?
Is it a complete drudgery to know what your partner truly desires, and be able to provide that for them, without having to drive yourself crazy trying to read their mind and figure it out?
Do you never discover something new about yourself, when your partner asks you to try something you’d never considered trying?
Have you never wound up enjoying something you thought you’d hate?
When our partners inspire us to step outside of our comfort zones, that is when we feel impassioned.
And when we authentically voice our needs and our desires, regardless of how we fear they may be received, we step into our power.
When we stand by those things, and become our own self-advocates, we call a partner to step into alignment there, with us.
These are the risks, and the fruits, of vulnerability.
When we declare our needs and ask that they be met, we are fully, emotionally and authentically present, and showing up for ourselves, our partners, in the relationship.
When we don’t advocate for our desires because we are too busy people-pleasing (out of a fear of rejection or abandonment), we fail to show up honestly and authentically in our relationships.
And that is not in service of love, or to the ultimate pleasure of you or your partner.
In fact, you are denying your partner something, in the people pleasing.
And then, inexplicably (it seems), your partner gets turned off, or loses interest, or starts to emotionally distance themselves...which only makes you turn the people-pleasing up to full volume, and it becomes a snake eating its own tail.
(Please note: this is different than a disproportionate and desperate “neediness,” which is truly a result of need suppression.)
In short, people-pleasing becomes love’s death nail.
So, if you find yourself getting caught in that trap, for the love of all things holy, STOP DOING IT!
And say it with me… “I honor my needs no matter what.”
Want to learn more about attachment?
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Briana MacWilliam ATR-BC, LCAT
Licensed and Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist
Author, Educator and Reiki Practitioner